5 ways to deal with grief after losing a loved one.
This is the Walk You Through It Blog where I take you with me on a journey through things I've struggled with and together we walk through how to overcome them and move forward.
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.” — Helen Keller
I'm writing this blog post because of something I wrote in my last blog post "... I'm not quite sure I dealt with the grief properly." This is me learning about grief as we walk through it together.
Grief and it's five friends.
Grief is a feeling that accompanies loss, especially the loss of a loved one. Grieving is a process of adjustment to the loss that typically consists of five stages. There is no time limit to the grieving process and no particular order that you'll go through those 5 stages of grief.
DENIAL
Denial is the first friend of grief. Please note that you may not experience these in order or go through all five stages.
It's not surprising that something as horrible as losing someone you care about deeply results in denial of that loss. It's hard to be honest with myself that I will never see my great-grandfather again for the rest of my life on this planet. And accepting that fact is hard. It's either to avoid it and be in denial about it.
I haven't talked about him or his death to anyone for the simple fact that avoidance allows denial.
Losing someone like that is like losing a part of yourself literally. He shaped me into the person that I am (whether I am aware of the way how or can articulate it is irrelevant.) But here's the truth: For as long as I live, he will live through me.
ANGER
Anger is the second friend of grief. Please note that you may experience these stages in different orders or completely skip a stage or multiple stages of grief.
Was I angry? You bet I was. I was angry at myself for not going to see him last year. He passed around this time last year. Twice, last year, I had the opportunity to visit him and twice I did not. I was angry at the pandemic for giving me an excuse for not going to see him.
Anger is a secondary emotion. It often shields us from the emotion that first arises. That doesn't mean that it isn't okay to feel anger but understand that there is something under that anger that you're not allowing yourself to recognize and truly feel. I was angry but I was also sad. Once I released that anger, I was free to feel the pain of losing my great-grandfather Robert James Tyson.
Yes, pain isn't necessarily a bad thing. Feeling the pain of his loss was something I was avoiding but it was necessary for me to move forward.
BARGAINING
Bargaining is the third friend of grief. Please note that grieving is highly individualized and unpredictable. You may progress through these stages and you may not.
I'm not sure that I went through this stage of grief and I'm also not sure that I'm done grieving. Thinking about bargaining, I would give anything to see him again and ask him the things I never got to ask. I would have loved to interview him on my podcast because he was successful in my eyes and there are so many questions that I would love to ask him.
With that being said, I suppose I just did go through the bargaining stage. As short as my bargaining stage was, I realize that I cannot bargain more time with him but I can spend more time with the people I love.
DEPRESSION
Depression is the fourth friend of grief. Please note that the grieving process is unique to each individual and you may move to acceptance without going through this or other stages of grief.
Depression? I've been here. As a result, I was addicted to drugs, lost many things, and became homeless. Although it had shaped me into the man I am today, I'm never going back. This is one stage of grief that I did not experience while grieving my great-grandfather.
Sadness? Yes, I am sad that I will never see him again. Hurt? Yes, it hurts. Pain? I feel the pain of his loss. But I have too much to lose to depression. I literally won't allow it.
There are times where I get into a funk but I've learned habits that don't allow for that funk to turn into depression.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is the fifth friend of grief.
I believe I've accepted the loss of a great man in my life. If I hadn't, I'm not sure if I would have been able to write about him. I hadn't written anything about him until this month. I want him to be remembered and I want you to know him.
Robert James Tyson may have passed away but he will now live on forever through these words, through me, and through my children.
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